My Kaplan audition
As I look for a "real" job, I have sunk so low as to consider teaching test-prep classes for Kaplan. Actually, I'm thinking about taking the LSAT (again), and I thought I might as well try to make some money since I have to study for the darn thing (again) anyway.
Kaplan makes their prospective teachers do an annoying 5-minute "teaching" audition. You're supposed to teach something non-academic and hopefully entertaining. I had completely forgotten about my Monday audition until about 2 hours before I had to be there and was at a loss to think of something I actually knew how to do. I mean, you can't teach someone to play the banjo in five minutes. I'm pretty good at coming up with snarky one-liners, but that's a skill you've just gotta be born with.
So here's what I "taught" them:
How to find love, or at least entertainment, on-line
Ellen’s top 10 online dating tips
Who here is involved in a long-term, satisfying romantic relationship? Congratulations. This is for the rest of you. Why trust me? I’m a veteran of at least 50 blind dates, 5 semi-serious relationships, and I’m currently dating an adorable, reasonably-gainfully employed Northwestern alum. So I guess I know as much about it as anyone.
1. Pick a site that suits your attitude toward dating. If you’re serious about finding your soulmate, E-harmony attracts a likeminded crowd of earnest suitors, but if you’re feeling ironic about the whole process, the Onion personals might suit you better. If those people look too weird, you can always go with Match.com. If you think Jewish guys or girls are hot, there’s also J-Date, but you should probably let them know up front if you’re not Jewish. (Um, yes, I was on J-Date. And um, no, I’m not Jewish.)
2. Now you need a photo…or better yet, three. This is why digital cameras were invented—you can practice looking into the lens until you achieve the perfect friendly yet alluring expression for a head shot. Try not to get too much of your arm in there. I also recommend uploading an action shot of you doing something you love—I got a lot of attention for one of me racing my bike…perhaps it was the lycra outfit. Or the carbon-looking wheelset. Then I’d post a photo that shows some personality, like you demonstrating your awesome hula hoop technique. Don’t post a picture of you with your drunken friends or one taken from some artistic angle that obscures your features. You want people to actually recognize you when they meet you. And don’t try to Photoshop your ex out of the photo. That’s tacky.
3. Next write your headline. This can be catchy or just sincere, whatever suits your personality. I used to use “putting the funk in functional”, but if you’re a small-town girl in the big city, I guess you can go with that. Just make sure it’s spelled correctly. More harping on proper spelling to come.
4. Make a list of what makes you unique. Be specific. Don’t tell them you’re smart. Tell them you can make 113-point Scrabble words and explain the difference between Marx and Weber’s theories of class. (You can imagine what kind of men I attracted with that stuff.) Don’t tell them you can cook. Tell them you can teach them to bake a perfect pie. It’s to your advantage not to be vague. If you tell people what your actual interests are they’ll know if you have anything in common and have something fun about which to write to you.
5. That for which you are looking. Again, be specific. Everyone thinks they’re smart and athletic and funny, but not everyone wants to climb Machu Picchu with you and can make camping in a hailstorm fun. This helps to weed out the people who would rather be shopping. Also, try to avoid clichés. They will make you sound boring, or lazy, or both. Half the people on-line are looking for their “ideal partner in crime” or someone who looks equally good in both hiking boots and evening dress. Yawn…
A few more tips
6. Proofread. Nothing will kill your effort to come off sounding intelligent more quickly than misspelling the word “intelligent”.
7. Be positive! Don’t make a list of everything that was wrong with your ex, e.g.: “Just for once I’d like to date a guy with a JOB and his own running automobile! Is that too much to ask?” You don’t want to seem bitter.
8. Be honest. 5’8” does not mean 5’6”. If you say you work in Counter Intelligence, that had better mean you work for the FBI, not McDonald’s.
9. Don’t be afraid to contact people. I find I’m much better at finding the people who are right for me then they are at finding me. My most effective approach (with all credit due to my friend Alex for the idea) was to send people a list of the Top 10 Things I liked about their profile. That gave me a chance to show off how funny I am (or think I am)…and if I couldn’t find 10 things to mention, I knew it wasn’t worth writing. That tactic garnered me a 90% response rate, I swear.
10. Keep it fun. Online dating is often more about quantity than quality, so most people you correspond with won’t turn out to be the love of your life. Just remember that a bad date can mean a priceless story to tell your friends. My favorite date was the guy who told me, “you’re an attractive women, but you really don’t know how to dress yourself. I’ll take you out again if you let me buy you something to wear.” I’ve gotten more mileage out of that story than most relationships.
Good luck out there!
Kaplan makes their prospective teachers do an annoying 5-minute "teaching" audition. You're supposed to teach something non-academic and hopefully entertaining. I had completely forgotten about my Monday audition until about 2 hours before I had to be there and was at a loss to think of something I actually knew how to do. I mean, you can't teach someone to play the banjo in five minutes. I'm pretty good at coming up with snarky one-liners, but that's a skill you've just gotta be born with.
So here's what I "taught" them:
How to find love, or at least entertainment, on-line
Ellen’s top 10 online dating tips
Who here is involved in a long-term, satisfying romantic relationship? Congratulations. This is for the rest of you. Why trust me? I’m a veteran of at least 50 blind dates, 5 semi-serious relationships, and I’m currently dating an adorable, reasonably-gainfully employed Northwestern alum. So I guess I know as much about it as anyone.
1. Pick a site that suits your attitude toward dating. If you’re serious about finding your soulmate, E-harmony attracts a likeminded crowd of earnest suitors, but if you’re feeling ironic about the whole process, the Onion personals might suit you better. If those people look too weird, you can always go with Match.com. If you think Jewish guys or girls are hot, there’s also J-Date, but you should probably let them know up front if you’re not Jewish. (Um, yes, I was on J-Date. And um, no, I’m not Jewish.)
2. Now you need a photo…or better yet, three. This is why digital cameras were invented—you can practice looking into the lens until you achieve the perfect friendly yet alluring expression for a head shot. Try not to get too much of your arm in there. I also recommend uploading an action shot of you doing something you love—I got a lot of attention for one of me racing my bike…perhaps it was the lycra outfit. Or the carbon-looking wheelset. Then I’d post a photo that shows some personality, like you demonstrating your awesome hula hoop technique. Don’t post a picture of you with your drunken friends or one taken from some artistic angle that obscures your features. You want people to actually recognize you when they meet you. And don’t try to Photoshop your ex out of the photo. That’s tacky.
3. Next write your headline. This can be catchy or just sincere, whatever suits your personality. I used to use “putting the funk in functional”, but if you’re a small-town girl in the big city, I guess you can go with that. Just make sure it’s spelled correctly. More harping on proper spelling to come.
4. Make a list of what makes you unique. Be specific. Don’t tell them you’re smart. Tell them you can make 113-point Scrabble words and explain the difference between Marx and Weber’s theories of class. (You can imagine what kind of men I attracted with that stuff.) Don’t tell them you can cook. Tell them you can teach them to bake a perfect pie. It’s to your advantage not to be vague. If you tell people what your actual interests are they’ll know if you have anything in common and have something fun about which to write to you.
5. That for which you are looking. Again, be specific. Everyone thinks they’re smart and athletic and funny, but not everyone wants to climb Machu Picchu with you and can make camping in a hailstorm fun. This helps to weed out the people who would rather be shopping. Also, try to avoid clichés. They will make you sound boring, or lazy, or both. Half the people on-line are looking for their “ideal partner in crime” or someone who looks equally good in both hiking boots and evening dress. Yawn…
A few more tips
6. Proofread. Nothing will kill your effort to come off sounding intelligent more quickly than misspelling the word “intelligent”.
7. Be positive! Don’t make a list of everything that was wrong with your ex, e.g.: “Just for once I’d like to date a guy with a JOB and his own running automobile! Is that too much to ask?” You don’t want to seem bitter.
8. Be honest. 5’8” does not mean 5’6”. If you say you work in Counter Intelligence, that had better mean you work for the FBI, not McDonald’s.
9. Don’t be afraid to contact people. I find I’m much better at finding the people who are right for me then they are at finding me. My most effective approach (with all credit due to my friend Alex for the idea) was to send people a list of the Top 10 Things I liked about their profile. That gave me a chance to show off how funny I am (or think I am)…and if I couldn’t find 10 things to mention, I knew it wasn’t worth writing. That tactic garnered me a 90% response rate, I swear.
10. Keep it fun. Online dating is often more about quantity than quality, so most people you correspond with won’t turn out to be the love of your life. Just remember that a bad date can mean a priceless story to tell your friends. My favorite date was the guy who told me, “you’re an attractive women, but you really don’t know how to dress yourself. I’ll take you out again if you let me buy you something to wear.” I’ve gotten more mileage out of that story than most relationships.
Good luck out there!
posted by ellen at 12:55 PM
1 Comments:
"Reasonably-gainfully employed"? Is my boo not getting enough jewelry?
I suppose it's better than "reasonably adorable."
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